yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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