Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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