Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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