I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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