his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
