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Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
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