I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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