If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
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First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
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I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow