I just pynch a tree in the face
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
