rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
