Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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