do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
