Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
