there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
