it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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