I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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