I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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