That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
