i permit you to call me
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
