Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
