K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
