Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
