Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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