the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
