tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
