i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
