I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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