You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
