OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Randomize
