I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
