Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
