You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
