So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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