Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
