you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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