fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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