More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
