Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
