my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
