i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
