I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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