i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
