I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
