Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
