woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
