I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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