Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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