Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
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so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
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I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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