If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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