The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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