so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
