Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'