Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
