I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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