According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
