Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
