my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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